Caught Up in the Past
by Hidden Willow
Summary: If Cordelia is too caught up in the past how will she be able to see what's right in front of her? (C/A) UPDATED: CH 4
1. Fairytales

  
  
**Title:** Caught Up in the Past (1/?)   
**Author:** Hidden Willow   
**Email:** willow4614@hotmail.com   
**Summary:** If Cordelia is too caught up in the past how will she be able to see what's right in front of her? (C/A)   
**Disclaimers:** Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the characters within are not mine. Grrr Argh. 

This fic is Post-Dad so no Birthday stuff. And for some reason Lorne is not staying at the Hyperion. Onward!   
  
  
**Part One**  
***************   
  
He had been watching her sleep for the last half hour. She would probably kill him if she knew. She'd tell him to stop his creepy vampire obsessive tendencies. But he couldn't help it. He had to look at her to make sure she was really there. She was always so vibrant, so strong. He never got to see her look this peaceful and young. He always forgot how young she was. 

He had been watching her more often lately--glancing, peeking, staring, whatever you wanted to call it. She wasn't blind though. She had noticed his new behavior. So he was trying to be more careful. Even Wesley had noticed it and he didn't seem to happy about it. Wesley had frowned at him and had a promise of a talk later on in his eyes. At least Fred seemed to be on his side. Kyerumption and what not. 

"Hey," Angel said to Cordelia as she stirred awake beside him. 

"Hey," Cordelia quietly responded, still getting her bearings on where she was. "Oh no. I fell asleep." She could feel his eyes on her. She knew he had been watching her sleeping. It had to be a vampire thing. Like watching your food, before you played with it. Creepy. 

"Yeah," he said absently. His amusement at her frumpled appearance and her confused state was shadowed by sadness. This was the only way he'd ever wake up next to her. 

"I guess you got tired of me taking your bed," Cordelia joked, making sure not to look at him and the fact that they were in bed together. No big deal, she thought. They were fully clothed and over the covers. Nonetheless, she found herself feeling awkward and almost vulnerable lying next to him. She distracted herself by feeling the texture of the covers. She had to ask him where he bought them. 

"I don't mind." 

In fact, he wished he could spend the rest of the day like this. When exactly things had changed from contemplation to realization he didn't know, but he knew how he felt right now. He just didn't know what it meant for them. 

"Just thought you'd join me?" she asked arching an eyebrow. 

It was nothing new for her to stay over the night to help him out or to even wake up in his bed. What was new was him sleeping there with her. But that's how things had been like for the past week. Right now was the closest they had come to addressing it. She could feel the thin ice beneath her. 

"I need sleep too," Angel weakly defended. "Thanks for helping me out with Connor." 

"I knew I'd be eating my words when I told you to share the responsibility," she teased. But really she was glad to be there for him and that he wanted her there. Needed her. 

"You don't have to-" 

She threw her hand out as if to stop him. "Shut up, Angel. Of course I'm going to help you out." 

"Good," he nodded. He knew he had to stop being so insecure about- well, everything. But he couldn't help it. He knew he didn't deserve her, but he wasn't about to argue with her if she didn't mind. 

A comfortable silence passed between them as they both stared at the ceiling, lost in their own thoughts. 

Cordelia spoke first, still looking above her. "It has nothing to do with you, though." 

"Oh?" He turned his head to look at her. He couldn't help but be slightly disappointed. 

She looked back at him and pointed where Connor slept peacefully. "I mean look at him. Those eyes and those little fingers. He's irresistible. Too bad for the age difference. I bet when he grows up he's going to be a lady killer." Realizing what she had said she quickly added, "Not literally though." 

"Let's hope not. He only inherited good things from his father," Angel said tenderly. 

"And thankfully not other things. It would be a little weird feeding him a bottle of blood. It's funny though. About the age difference, I mean," she clarified. "I'm closer to his age than I am to yours. Maybe I should start calling you Old Man Angel." 

"I'm not that old," he protested. He knew he didn't look old at all. The one good thing about being a vampire. Still, he wished he could see himself in a mirror all the same. 

"You're older than most of the buildings in L.A," she said. Quick to reassure him, she added, "Don't worry. You don't look a day over 125." 

"You're not one for giving compliments are you. I always compliment you," he complained. 

"I compliment you. Remember that time I said you were handsome, heroic, brave-" 

"-erratic, emotionally stunted, and a eunuch?" he finished for her. 

"Oh right. Hey, you were the one who was letting it get to his head. I had to give you the other side of the coin." She looked towards Connor's crib, "Besides, I think we all know now you aren't a eunuch." 

"Definitely not a eunuch," he half-whispered to her. 

Cordelia felt chills run along her body from what he had just said. Suddenly, she felt _very_ uncomfortable in bed with him. She sat up as quickly as she could without showing her uneasiness. "So now you just have to prove you're not emotionally stunted or erratic. Good luck with that," she joked, trying to take away any attention from her reaction. 

He sat up with a frown on his face as he watched her get out of bed. "You can still get an hour of sleep before anybody comes in." 

Cordelia smoothed her hair out with her hands self-consciously as she stood before him. "I have to go home and change," she explained. 

"You have clothing here. Plus you can always borrow something from Fred." 

"I guess," she said reluctantly. There really was no reason for her to return to her apartment. 

Seeing her weakening, he added, "You need sleep." He could only hope he wasn't as transparent as he felt. 

Cordelia sighed, "Just don't hog the bed."   
  
***********  
  


It was a good day, Angel thought. He woke up to Cordelia, had little trouble putting Connor down for a nap, and was having a slow, peaceful day at the Hyperion. 

He was currently looking at a baby catalogue Cordy had thrown at him. Did babies really need this much stuff? He didn't even own this much stuff and he was over two centuries old. 

"Alright, I'm ready," Cordelia said to Gunn as she stepped out of the bathroom. 

"Ready for what?" Angel asked, still leafing through the catalogue. 

"Me and Cordy going to train downstairs," Gunn answered. 

Angel looked up to find them both in workout clothes. Sure, she fought demons in her expensive clothes, but when it came to training she wore comfortable clothing. He really didn't get her. 

Gunn was wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. If he even thought about taking off his shirt while he was with Cordy... Angel shook off his violent thoughts. "I thought I was training you." 

"You've been busy with Connor and getting ready for Holtz. We haven't trained in weeks." 

"I'm sorry about that." 

"No, I understand. It's just that with Holtz around the corner it's more important than ever to be ready, right? And that includes me being ready so... training." 

"Don't have the flashy moves Angel has, but I have some moves of my own," Gunn offered. 

"I'm not flashy," Angel denied. "Am I?" 

She threw a look at Gunn. "Thanks a lot." Why did Angel have to be so insecure? She turned to Angel. "Of course not. You'd have to actually wear colors to be flashy." Cordelia pointedly looked at his dark blue attire.   
  
Angel watched as they headed downstairs already laughing with each other. Probably about something he didn't even understand. Clueless Angel they probably thought. 

Why is Gunn touching her back, he wondered. He quickly got up. "Uh guys? Maybe Fred should watch you two train. She could learn something. Let me just get her." 

Cordelia turned around. "You sent her and Wesley to buy diapers remember?" 

"Oh yeah." It was a _very_ slow day at the Hyperion. 

"Don't see why it takes two people," Gunn grumbled. 

"She'll be back in a minute. You could just wait," Angel said happily, hoping they'd agree. 

"Nah," she dismissed. 

"Angel has a point," Gunn agreed. "Fred needs to learn how to protect herself. Maybe I'll ask her if she wants me to train her." 

Angel frowned. That's not what he had meant. 

"Take a number," Cordelia mumbled. First Wesley, now Gunn. Fred was a hot commodity. 

"What?" Gunn looked at her confused. 

"Nevermind. You. Me. Train." And with that she dragged him off much to Angel's dismay.   
  
***********  
  
"Hey, is the radio down here?" Gunn asked. 

"Yeah over there." Cordelia, putting her hair into a small ponytail, motioned over to the table with the fake flowers. 

Gunn walked over looking curiously at the bright fake flowers. "These still here?" 

"Well, they are fake. Not like they're going to die anytime soon. Call it part one in the my plan to color this place up." 

"Nothing more colorful than you," he smiled. He didn't know what Angel would do without her. He eyed the radio wondering how far her influence had gone. "I wonder what station it's tuned to." 

"Wanna make a little wager?" 

"Sure. Loser has to..." 

"Have the next mind-numbing vision?" she offered. 

"That's your trademark. No changing that." 

Cordelia shrugged. "Oh well. How about loser has to clean-up after the next movie night?" 

"Okay," Gunn agreed, missing the evil glint in her eye. "I'd say-" Gunn paused to wonder what a vampire with a soul would listen to. "Classical music. What about you?" 

She grinned and answered confidently, "Radio Disney." 

"What?" 

"Check for yourself." 

Gunn hesitantly turned the radio on to find a song fading out. A jubilant voice shortly filled the air. "Aaron Carter, 3LW, Britney Spears, and the Backstreet Boys all coming up on Radio Disney," the announcer said. 

"Angel really is getting the father thing down, isn't he? It's almost scary," she said looking up towards the staircase. 

"But Radio Disney?" He sounded appalled. 

"My idea. You know, for when Connor is older. I told Angel he should start immersing himself in pop culture or he'll have no clue what Connor is talking about when he mentions the Teletubbies or whatever is in at the time." 

"No fair," Gunn protested. 

Not willing to give up a night off from cleaning up, she argued, "Hey. Is so. I didn't know he actually followed my advice." 

"He always listens to you."   
  
**********  
  


Forty-five minutes later Cordelia found her skin glimmering with a sheen of sweat. This was different than training with Angel. Angel always seemed to push her to her limit and a bit beyond. It was nice that he believed in her, but she was thankful that Gunn didn't seem to press her as hard. Not that she wasn't feeling the strain of the training on her body right now. 

"Ugh. Tell me that's it for the day." It didn't seem to matter to Cordelia what Gunn's answer was as she sat herself down on the stairs. 

He walked over to her, gesturing to her to get up. "C'mon. I know you have more energy in you. Whenever you train with Angel you two are in here for hours." 

"That's because he's a slave driver," she said slightly out of breath. 

"Yeah that's why." Gunn said unconvinced. 

"What?" 

"Nothing." 

"Besides, you try being energized when you hardly got any sleep last night." 

"Vision?" 

She yawned into her hand. "Angel. Dragged me in late at night because he couldn't get Connor to sleep." 

"Funny. I thought there was a more interesting story why you stayed the night." 

Caught by his remark she looked up to glare at him. "We are adults you know. Not to mention friends. We are well versed in controlling our hormones." 

"So there are hormones?" he asked with a smirk on his face. 

"That's not what I meant!" She shouted as she tried to hit him without getting up. 

"Uh huh. You've been spending a lot of nights over." 

"Angel needs me," she stated simply as though that explained everything.   
  
*********  
  


"How was training?" Wesley asked as they entered into the lobby. 

"Good. Where's Fred and Angel?" Cordelia asked as she went to fetch a glass of water. 

"Last I saw Fred was showing Connor some flashcards," Wesley said with a smile on his face. 

"A little early for that, don't you think?" She asked in between sips. 

"Speaking of Fred, I was thinking about training her," Gunn announced. 

"Oh really?" Wesley's ears perked up. "I was thinking of asking her myself." 

"No offense but what can an ex-Watcher teach a girl about fighting. I mean maybe if you were called a Doer, not a Watcher. I mean if she wants to be trained on how to watch you're her guy, but-" 

"Where's Angel?" Cordelia wisely interrupted. 

"He's taking a nap," Wesley answered without looking at her, his eyes still aimed at Gunn. It had been some time since his abilities had been questioned and he didn't appreciate it. 

"No, he's not," Angel said walking down the stairs. "Done training?" 

"Yep. Sweaty and smelly to prove it. Hey, you mind if we shower here?" 

Angel looked at the two standing together by the kitchen both tired and sweaty from the workout. "Separately, right?" 

"Well, duh," she said slightly exasperated. What is with him today, she wondered. 

"Have to take a shower at my place. Don't have a change of clothing," Gunn said grabbing his bag. 

"Don't forget we might be raiding the nest by Marathon today," Wesley said sharply. 

"No problem. Bye." He ran half way up the stairs and shouted, "Bye Fred!" 

"Bye Charles!" Fred shouted back.   
  
*********  
  


Fred had been trying to teach Connor for the past half hour the alphabet. Sure he was just a few months old, but she figured it was never too early. She was just happy that Angel trusted her to be alone with Connor. 

As Angel passed by the door for the fifth time in the last 15 minutes, Fred put down the flashcards. "Angel? Is there something you want?" 

"No. Just walking around. I can do that, can't I?" Angel said leaning on the doorway, his eyes floating in the direction of the bathroom door. 

"She's still showering. Anxious for a vision?" 

"She hasn't had one in awhile." 

The bathroom door flew open. "You'd think you'd let me have a couple of days off. But nooooo," Cordy said as she towel dried her hair. 

"Hi, good shower?" Angel asked, struggling for something to say. 

"Yep. You know I've been looking for this top," she said referring to the red form-fitting shirt she was wearing. 

"You left it here. It was after the Nugov demon slimed you. You thought it was a lost cause." 

"You washed it for me?" She was touched. Some girls liked flowers, but nothing said 'I appreciate you' like wiping off slime from her wardrobe. 

"Oh! I forgot!" Fred exclaimed, interrupting the moment. "I have something for you. Well, for Connor really, but he's too young for it now so..." she trailed off. "Hold on," she said before she left the room. She returned shortly with a red shopping bag in hand, which she placed in Angel's hands. 

"What's this?" 

Her smile lighted the room. "A present. I went shopping with Cordy a couple of days ago." 

"I don't remember you buying anything for Angel." 

"You were busy talking to Romance guy," she explained. 

"Romance guy?" Angel repeated. 

"Yeah, they were talking in the romance section of the video store." 

"Tell him everything, why don't you." 

"Did you give him your phone number? You can't just be giving out your phone number to strangers, you know. This is a dangerous world we live in," he said, half-concerned, half-jealous. 

"Angel. Her gift," she reminded him. 

"Sorry," he said bashfully. He looked into the bag and took the gift out. "Uh. Beauty and the Beast?" 

"Yeah. I know, I know. I gave up fairytales, but this is such a good movie and as long as you know fairytales aren't real..." 

"It's a cartoon," he stated dumbly. 

"Brilliant deduction. What gave it away? The animated cover?" Cordelia wisecracked. 

Reading the back of the cover quickly, he recogized the old fairytale he had heard of as a child. "They made a cartoon about this?" 

"Remember that talk we had about pop culture?" 

"Anyway, I thought it was a perfect movie for you." Fred, noting their blank looks, continued, "Oh. I mean Beauty and the Beast? That's you two! Obviously Cordelia's the beauty because she's beautiful. And you're the Beast, not that I think- but you know with your demon and all- and I just thought of you two. I even know the song! 'Tale as old as-'" 

"That's okay Fred. We wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for him," Cordelia interrupted. 

Still unsure with how to respond Angel managed to spit out, "Thank you, Fred. I'm still not used to getting gifts, especially for no reason." 

"Oh, there was a reason," she said cryptically. "Hey. We can watch it on movie night, right? The guys won't mind, do you think? They usually like action movies." 

"I have a feeling they won't object," Cordelia said knowingly. 

Fred ran off in glee murmuring something in a sing-song voice Cordelia couldn't hear. Angel, however, with his vampire hearing, caught a few words. Something along the lines of 'both a little scared neither one prepared.' She really was an odd one.   
  
**********  
  
Why was it they always had to hang out at her place, Cordelia wondered as she took four drinks and a container of blood out of the fridge. 

"A little help?" she asked exasperated as she tried to hold everything. 

A few drinks were taken out of her hands and floated over to the table. 

"Thanks, Dennis. Glad you're useful _unlike some people_," Cordelia said irritably. 

"What was that, Cordy?" Wesley asked innocently from the living room. 

Cordelia put the blood in the microwave and set the timer, then headed over to the living room. She hit Gunn's legs to get them off her table. 

"_I said_, 'why do we always hang out at my place'?" 

"Well, we spend all day working over at the hotel, and you do have the nicest crib out of the rest of us," Gunn reasoned, as he grabbed a handful of popcorn. 

"Does this popcorn have extra butter?" Wesley asked, eyeing the bowl. 

Luckily, Cordelia found herself being pulled away into the kitchen and back to sanity by Dennis. "Breathe, Cordelia," she told herself as she heard the beep of the microwave. 

Fred appeared next to her, licking her sticky fingers clean. "Mmmmm, do you have more of these?" She lifted up the empty box of cherry cordials. Cordelia just stared at her blankly for a moment before handing her another box. 

"Does Connor need his bottle?" she asked Angel. 

"He's not due for it for another half an hour," Angel replied. "You guys better hurry up. Previews are on," he warned. 

Cordelia and Fred walked over, Cordy handing Angel a mug of warm blood, and Fred throwing another cherry cordial in her mouth before sitting down. 

"The previews are ten years old. I think it's safe to say the movies are no longer in theatres." Gunn responded. 

"Thank you guys. I know you'd prefer to watch action movies and such," said Fred. 

"No problem, Fred. Actually it's nice to watch something that doesn't mirror our daily life. No violence, gore, or demons," Wesley said. 

"Nah. Just curses, mobs, and love in the strangest places. Nothing we know about," Gunn pointed out. He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn Angel was squirming in his seat. "Hey, can you get me a drink that's not diet?" he turned to Cordelia. 

"Get it yourself," she snapped. Did no one have functional legs? 

"Someone's testy." 

"Someone's about to get- their ass- kicked," Cordelia struggled to say. 

She gasped for air as the vision hit her. She could smell the ocean near by, and the taste of the salt water in the air. Lights danced around her eyes and she could her a faint melody. Flashes of a demon blasted in her mind, followed by pain. On another look she could see the demon wasn't alone and there were so many people for them to snack on. A pyramid of bottles, lots of mirrors, and a calendar sliced into her head before the vision ended. 

She felt her body convulse in pain. Her head felt like it had been broken into pieces. She didn't have to look up to know Angel was holding her. She hadn't even realized she had slipped onto the floor. 

"What did you see?" 

"Um. Gray demon, green blotches attacking people. There was, um- a carnival. It was happening at a carnival near a beach. I need a pen." 

She could feel the stinging in her eyes and couldn't help but let a few tears slip down her face. Angel looked at her worried as he got her something to write on. 

"I believe we're dealing with Grunog beasts. Not the smartest of the bunch, but particularly vicious," Wesley informed them. 

"There's a carnival down at the Redondo beach this week. That must be it," Gunn said 

"An odd time for a carnival," Fred commented. 

Angel went into command mode as he stood up. Old habits died hard. "Alright. Fred stay here with Cordy-" 

"No. This doesn't happen for another two nights," Cordelia interrupted. 

"You've never had that much warning." 

"I know, but I'm certain it's not for another two nights." 

"Ahhhh! We're going to the carnival. Sorry. I just haven't been to one in forever," Fred squealed. 

Angel ignored Fred's remark. "Well there was most likely a reason for the extra notice. We should probably begin researching." 

Fred took the opportunity. "Yes. Right now in fact. Not you though Cordelia you should rest. And Angel you have to take care of Connor. We could do a re-con tomorrow night to get acquainted with the place." Before anyone knew it, she had pulled Wesley and Gunn out of the apartment.   
  
*********  
  
Cordelia looked around her apartment. So much for Gunn cleaning up this time. She had changed into her pajamas and got out the comfort food within minutes. She had feed Connor and Angel had tried to put him to sleep, but he wouldn't cooperate. They finally decided to watch the movie, hoping it would lull Connor into sleep. 

Cordelia had smiled at Angel's outburst at the beginning. "They're singing!" Angel had exclaimed. Two hundred forty-eight year old vampire and he still managed to act like a kid sometimes. 

"I think Connor likes this movie. I mean look at that face." 

"I think he's excited he just found out he had a nose." 

"Hold him?" 

"Arm tired?" She asked as he placed Connor gently into her arms. 

"No. I read that it's important for him to have physical contact with his parents." 

"I'm not his parent," she pointed out. 

"Well, no, but I am and I have no pulse or body heat. That seems important and I don't want him to miss out." 

"Hey, between the six of us Connor isn't going to miss out on anything." She watched him for a moment, her eyes glittering with affection. "He looks like he's getting sleepy." He was so small. She couldn't imagine herself ever being this small. She definitely couldn't imagine Angel ever being this small. She would have smiled if her face hadn't scrunched up in pain from another wave of after vision pain. 

"Your head still hurt? I can get you another aspirin. Water?" 

"I'll be alright. Oh, this is my favorite part." Cordelia said, leaning into him. He fought the urge to pull her into him completely and put his arms around her. As it was he couldn't ignore the intimacy of the moment. He wondered how it was possible she could miss it, but after all she wasn't the one having feelings. But this couldn't be a normal moment for two friends to share. So what did that mean? 

A grand ballroom, beautifully detailed and with enormously high ceilings appeared on screen. Belle and the Beast entered hand in hand and began to dance. A gentle voice filled the air. 

//Tale as old as time true as it can be   
Barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectantly// 

Okay, so now Fred's little intentions are perfectly clear, Cordelia thought. She needed to nip this in the bud as soon as possible. Didn't need her playing little miss matchmaker.  


//Just a little change small to say the least   
Both a little scared neither one prepared   
Beauty and the Beast//

So that's what she had been singing, Angel realized. Oh. _That's_ what she had been singing.   


//Ever just the same, ever a surprise,   
Ever as before, ever just as sure as the sun will rise  
Tale as old as time, tune as old as song  
Bitter sweet and strange  
Finding you can change learning you were wrong//

Thankfully, it seemed to her Angel was clueless as usual. Somebody buy him a vowel.  


//Certain as the sun rising in the east  
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme  
Beauty and the Beast//

If only this was a fairytale, Angel thought. But life was no fairytale. He wouldn't have the happily ever after. But not so long ago he never thought he'd have as much as he did now. And really he owed it to Cordelia. He had a mission, friends, and a family. For the first time ever there was real hope for the future. 

It was all a set up, she thought. Like a stupid Disney movie was just going to change everything. Did Fred somehow think that she was an exception to the no-bone rule on Angel? 

//Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme   
Beauty and the Beast// 

"Nice song." 

"Oh yeah," she hastily agreed.   
  
*********  
  


She spent the whole night thinking of how to inflict pain on Fred, but ultimately knew Fred was just being nice. Nice and nosy, but still nice. She'd just share a few words with her and then do some shopping. 

Okay, the truth? The truth was she spent the night missing how it felt to have someone in bed next to her. Something which, she noted, was a serious warning sign that she needed to get out more. It wasn't as though in bed she could tell him apart from a huge paperweight. Except, of course, for his awkward tendency of wrapping his arms around her in the middle of the night and how warm he felt in the morning because he had absorbed some of her body heat. 

The problem was she couldn't remember the last time she went out with someone for more than three dates. Which was where the shopping came in. She had to find something stunning to wear while she searched for a semi-decent guy. Now she just had to talk to Fred. Knocking on her door, Fred called out for her to come in. 

"Fred." 

"Hi," she said looking up from her reading. 

"Don't 'hi' me. You set us up didn't you?" 

"I don't know what you mean," she answered, trying to avoid Cordy's eyes. 

"You left us alone watching Beauty and the Beast." 

"That wasn't my fault. You're the one that had the vision. Anyway, what's the harm of a little quality time between friends?" 

"I know what you're doing." 

"Oh?" Fred squeaked. 

"'Beauty and the Beast. That's you two!' Ring a bell?" 

"I just thought I'd help. I mean you two are perfect for each other. After all you are his seer. You're kinda tied to him if you think about it. How can that be wrong?" 

"Fred, he's a no-bone, okay. There was a reason I made sure to drive that point to you from the start. I know I was kinda mean about it, but it was something you had to understand." Cordelia sighed, "Believe me. I was around during the supreme tragic love story. I know the badness that comes when Angel and love are mixed together. And there are two big reasons never to even think about Angel like that. Number one: The curse. Number two: Nobody but Buffy will ever exist in his heart. The first one is a 'don't-you-ever-forget-it-or-the bodies-start-to-pile.' The second one is something Angel and Buffy never let anybody forget." 

"Well, I know I wasn't around for that, I haven't even met Buffy, but I don't think he's in love with her. I mean did he jump into another dimension for her?" 

"He would have done that for any of us," she protested. 

"Did he ever let a psychotic woman-hater out of a fire cell in order to save her life?" 

"Angel has guilt issues. I do get the visions because of him," she objected. 

"Is she the one he calls when Connor is being fussy?" 

"She doesn't actually know about Connor." Cordelia's forehead crinkled. Fred had her there. Connor was the most important thing to Angel and he wasn't sharing that with Buffy. 

"And as for the curse, just hand me the wording of the Gypsy curse and the spell that was used to re-soul him and I'm sure eventually I'll find a way around it. Curses are a tricky thing you know. I remember one time I was out searching for food and this hermit living by the river caught me trying to steal one of his jazip roots and next thing I know he sprays some powder at me-" 

"Fred," Cordelia tried to interrupt. 

"-and starts cursing me while doing something that looked like a sloppy dance of shame with twirls. Maybe it was the dance of malice? I don't think there is a dance of malice..." 

"Fred! Just let it go, okay? And please don't bring this up with Angel," she said seriously. "God that's the last thing I need. He'd be acting awkward all week," she mumbled as she left the room. 

'Don't bring this up with Angel' ringed in her mind. Fred looked on with worried eyes. "I already have," she whispered.   
  
  
**TBC...**  
  
  



	2. Uncertainty

  
**Title:** Caught Up in the Past (2/?)   
**Author:** Hidden Willow   
**Email:** willow4614@hotmail.com   
**Reminder:** Post-Dad 

// // indicates flashbacks   
  
**Part Two**  
***************   
  


This morning the worst thing she had to deal with was Fred's antics. She hated when Angel kept things from her. She had been watching him over the top of the magazine she was pretending to read for what seemed like forever. She hadn't seen him act even remotely unusual the whole time. This just further pissed her off. She forgoed the cover of reading the magazine as she tossed it aside, choosing to burn a hole through his back instead. Did he plan to tell her at all, she wondered. She decided she was going to give him a chance to tell her himself. That is if the dense vampire would get a clue. 

Turn around dammit, Cordelia willed. For a vampire his senses were sure out of whack. If looks could kill... Getting out of her chair, she huffed. He wasn't going to start talking any time soon. She would just have to pry it out of him. At least he's consistent, she thought bitterly. 

"Buffy called," she stated casually. 

"What?" Angel turned around. 

Cordelia gauged his reaction closely. "Small blonde with no sense of fashion, but she packs a punch." 

"Yeah I got that," he said pushing aside her snarky comment. "When? Did she say why she called?" 

"You called her first. She was trying to find out why. Seemed a little on edge by the way." 

"How did she know I called?" he asked more to himself than to her. 

"Hello. Caller ID." The last ray of hope vanished. It wasn't all a misunderstanding. He had called her and hung up like a schoolboy in love. He hadn't done that since his first months in L.A. How had things reverted back to that? 

"Oh." 

"Oh?" she repeated, her voice laced with disbelief and anger. 

"I forgot about that. I- uh- called. I didn't think she'd be home. And she wasn't," he said nervously under her scrutiny. 

She crossed her arms, feeling her armor go up. "Refreshing your stalker skills?" 

"Huh? No," he said caught offguard once more. Why did this feel like an interrogation? And he would know. He'd been on both sides in his time. 

"So why did you call her?" Angel suddenly found the couch more interesting as he looked over to it. He walked over picking up a toy of Connor's. He fumbled with the small toy, rolling it under his hands, most likely to avoid the conversation. 

She watched his sudden interest with the toy and the lightbulb in her head went on. How could she have forgotten? Nothing like fear to blind a person. "Connor," her voice softened at the name, "You were going to tell her, weren't you?" 

"I was planning to eventually." 

"Why haven't you yet?" 

Angel sat down, putting the toy to the side. He found himself overcome by all the confusion he was feeling. Placing his fingers to his temples, he struggled to explain to her what was so hard. "It's just- there are all these new pieces of me that she doesn't know about and probably wouldn't be able to understand. I don't, even. They confuse the hell out of me." He looked up at her, searching her face for understanding. No, she hadn't noticed he had said pieces. Plural. 

"That's normal," she tried to assure him. She had to be supportive, even if she was screaming inside. Buffy was like a black hole. 

"I know. I just- she should know, but at the same time I know to her they'd be shameful or wrong and I'm not going to let her taint what I have. Not right now," he shook his head, his voice determined and almost desperate. 

His words made her heart ache. Connor was everything to him. It was a happiness he had never known and the very idea of losing it in any small way scared him. If Buffy couldn't accept Connor it would crush him. That was why he hadn't told her, why he hadn't been sharing Connor with Buffy. Fred had been wrong, she thought. So wrong. 

She kneeled down in front of him, holding his hands. "Eventually she'd accept these new pieces. It's really made you think hasn't it? About your future with Buffy?" Her stomach twisted into knots with the thought. She gave a quick squeeze to his hands that he took as a sign of support, but she wasn't aware she had done it at all. She was bracing herself for his answer. 

"No. It hasn't, actually." The implications of that were not lost on him. 

"You can be honest, Angel." She looked up at him, gave her best supportive smile, and a reassuring nod for him to continue. If nothing else she wanted to be the one Angel could confide in. 

The implications _were_ lost on her it seemed. "I am being honest," he insisted. 

She didn't understand why he was not cooperating. She was being all ears. She was being support-o-gal. But nothing. The thought burned in her mind. Not only was she not Buffy, but evidently she wasn't even fit to discuss Buffy with him. "No, you're not," she replied irritably. Trying again, she asked, "What are you hoping to happen with you and Buffy now? 

"Nothing," he asserted. Funny how lying would probably get him out of the hole he was digging for himself. He wasn't sure what she wanted out of him. Did she want him to declare his undying love for Buffy? Because that always seemed to piss her off back in the day. Why did she have to be so complicated? 

Cordelia sharply stood up, her eyes burning. "God. Forget I even mentioned anything. I forgot that you and Buffy were a sacred topic. Some things never change." 

He stood up to face her. "Cordy-" he started. 

"I said nevermind," she told him, her voice flat.   
  
************  
  


Connor had been crying for the last ten minutes. It didn't help that his son could feel how upset his father was. Angel switched the position he held him in and paced back and forth in the lobby. It usually helped Connor calm down. Thankfully, Gunn, Fred, and Cordy were busy following up a lead. He didn't think he could survive the angry, hurt looks etched on her face. 

"What's wrong?" Wesley, looking up from his book, asked more intent on stopping Angel from pacing than finding out what was wrong. 

"I am very confused." 

"Connor or Cordelia?" The two confusing C's. 

"Cordy. She bit my head off today." 

"Vision?" Wesley guessed as he looked back to his book. 

"No." Angel turned around to start walking in the other direction. 

Realizing how distraught Angel was, Wesley closed the book. He'd never finish researching for tonight. There was a reason he had sent the rest of them out on a lead. Next time, Angel was being sent out with them. Of course, there was the problem of the sun. Turning his thoughts back to Angel, he guessed, "Being overprotective of Connor again?" 

"No." 

"Being overprotective of her? Did you scare off one of her dates again?" he asked curiously. Those stories were always amusing. 

"No," he said defensively. Is that why she hadn't brought anyone over in quite some time, he wondered. 

Wesley regarded Angel for a moment. "Then?" 

He stopped pacing and looked at him. "Buffy called." 

"Ah." Everything was instantly clear to him. 

"Ah? What do you mean 'ah'?" 

"Well, Cordelia doesn't like reminders of Sunnydale much." Not like Wesley could blame her for that. They had been misunderstood, ignored, unappreciated, and looked down on. And there was a Hellmouth. Sunnydale didn't have a lot to offer. 

"It's not like she hates Buffy." 

"No, not her per se." 

"Am I missing something?" 

"Always," Wesley mumbled. Changing the subject, he asked, "Why did Buffy call? Trouble?" 

"I called her. She missed my call so she was calling me back." 

"Did you tell her about Connor? How did she take it?" The concern for his friend clear in his eyes. Buffy had the ability to destroy him, but Angel had the same power to destroy her. Or at least that's how it worked once upon a time. 

Angel looked down at his son who had stopped crying when his name had been spoken. Almost as if on cue. He put his pinky out and found it quickly surrounded by Connor's tiny hand. "I didn't tell her. I haven't talked to her yet. Cordelia got the call. She started asking me why I called Buffy. I didn't really know and from there it went downhill." 

"I can imagine." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Perhaps this is something you should talk to Cordelia about." 

Angel walked over to him. "'Perhaps' you'll save me the trouble. What's going on? How come you know and I don't?" 

"You don't know all of Cordelia." 

The words brought back memories for Angel. 

//"Knowing her..."   
"But you don't. You don't know her at all. For months now you haven't cared to."// 

Waves of guilt and shame washed over him. He swallowed it down and sat down next to Wesley, defeated. "So what is going on?" 

"I think Buffy is more of a sore spot for Cordelia than you realize." 

"Why would she be?" 

"There was a time you'd give up everything to be with Buffy. It's possible you still would," he enlightened him. 

"I don't understand." 

"Talk to Cordelia," Wesley said as he put a reassuring hand on Angel's shoulder before he went back to researching.   
  
**********  
  


"We need to talk," Angel said, trying to avoid the attention of the others in the hotel. 

"Now? I'm eating my Sweet and Sour chicken." Cordelia stabbed a piece with her fork, albeit a little violently, to bring the point home. 

"Yes, now. No time like the present." 

"Says he who broods about the past. You can't give me a few minutes to finish?" 

"You've been 'eating' for the past 40 minutes." 

"I want to savor every bite," she said bringing the forkful of chicken to her mouth and delicately biting off a piece. She chewed slowly and licked her lips sensuously. 

She had done it to annoy him, another melodramatic show of hers to make the meal last as long as possible, but all it did was excite him. He scolded himself for the kind of thoughts he was having about her and pushed down his demon who was struggling to get to the surface after her display. 

"Now, Cordelia," he said forcefully, grabbing her arm and moving them into Wesley's office. A damn hotel, and no place to talk alone. 

"Pushy much?" she exclaimed as she tore herself from his grasp. 

He closed the door and turned around to face her. "Why are you mad at me?" 

"I'm not mad. I should have known better." 

"Known better?" he asked. 

"Known better than to think my best friend could confide in me for 5 seconds, even if it involved the illustrious Buffy," she said fiercely. 

"There was nothing to say." 

"There's always something to say. Plenty of material to brood about, plenty to talk about." 

"This may surprise you, but my life does not revolve around Buffy," he said trying to keep himself composed. 

"Geez. I know that!" she cried out from frustration. "But do you?" Her voice now only a solemn, desperate whisper. She needed to know that he knew it, too. That what her life was, her everything, was not just a transient moment for the vampire. 

"Yes," he said earnestly. 

She thought that was what she wanted to hear, what she needed to hear, but it felt empty. What did words mean anyway? "This week you do. But you have this knack of returning to the past." 

"That's what this is about isn't it? About me going back to Buffy?" 

"No. Maybe," she said unsure. "No! It's not about Buffy. It's about you. You and you're ability to block us out and push us away whenever the past comes knocking on the door. Or to leave us the second something better comes up." 

"That's not true." 

"You're right. You'd give us up for something worse. You have before." 

A look of pain crossed his face. "I thought we moved on from that." 

"Of course we did, but that doesn't mean I forgot," she said in a subdued voice, hoping that would obscure the emotions she was feeling. She couldn't, however, stop the tiny tremor that went through her body. 

//"She said, uh - she said we're not friends."   
"I know. - There is only one thing you can give her, Angel. And that's time. Cordelia has a lot of pain to work through."// 

A realization dawned on him. "You never got over it did you?" 

Her eyes shot to his. "I'm sorry. How childish of me to not completely get over my best friend going psycho on me so he could go obsess about his newly undead ex-girlfriend," she said sarcastically. 

The venom in her voice surprised him. "I didn't mean- It's not that I think you should have I just always thought you did for the most part." 

"Of course you did." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Angel asked as he stepped closer to her. 

She stepped back and shook her head. "Right. Was that before or after you gave me a whole week to get over it before you started throwing clothes at me to make it all better?" 

"I just- I was just trying to make it up to you. I didn't know how. Things weren't ok?" 

She looked up at his face. The face that could break her heart. The face that right now was in pain because he had caused her pain. "No," she said softly. 

"You should have said something. Why didn't you say something?" And why should this surprise him, he thought. She did this all the time. She kept things from him to protect him, to make things easier on him. Why he worth it he didn't know. 

"When? It's not like you ever brought it up. We never talked about it. What did you think? That things would magically get better? How could I tell you that you had hurt me more than anyone else ever has? That I feared you giving up on me just as much as I feared the day Angelus might return?" 

"I knew nothing I said would change what I had done. I only hoped to prove to you that I was sorry." 

"And you did. Maybe talking about it wouldn't have proven anything, but it was something I needed." 

"Then why didn't you say something?" 

"C'mon, Angel. A year ago that conversation would have had you running towards the nearest exit. Sure, you're working for redemption, but sometimes you just suck at dealing with the hard stuff. You're a skittish kitten when it comes to emotions. I wasn't going to risk losing you when you finally came back." 

He reached out for her wrist and pulled her closer. His eyes boring into hers, determined to make her see, he said, "I am not going anywhere, do you understand? Not for Buffy, not for anything. I didn't leave for good when Buffy died or when she came back. I didn't leave your side when you got sucked into Pylea. I didn't leave when Connor was born. I'm not leaving this time. You told me you'd be with me until I shanshued. I plan on being there for you, too." 

There was nothing she could do, but believe him when he looked into her eyes like that. Almost as if... "Then what?" she breathed. 

"I don't know. Plaid shirts and the beach?" he grinned. 

She softly smiled at that. "So you're sticking around for sure. No running away or giving up?" 

"No running away or giving up." 

"Good. And you're going to start letting me in? Well, you do, but I mean in those shady parts that so far are still marked 'No entry'." 

"I'll try. You know I'm not so good with talking about how I feel, but if there was ever anyone I could talk to it'd be you. It's because of you that I've changed." Angel paused, not for an unneeded breath, but to scrounge up the courage to say the closest thing to the truth that was safe to say. "You've made me feel things that I never have before." 

"Same here. I've never felt as accepted as I do by you." She noticed the flickering of light in his eyes as she spoke. She looked down at her wrist as he let go of her. 

"Yeah." Angel looked down disappointed. "I'm sorry that I ever let you forget or doubt how I feel. I do care. And I promise to talk things through even if I'd rather be drilling a hole in my head." 

"Gee thanks. Okay. Enough of this. I don't want to become a Drama Queen," she said as she opened the door. 

"Become?" he teased.   
  
  
***********  
  
  


A night out. Well, not so much a night out since it was re-con for tomorrow night, but Fred was still quite enthusiastic and optimistic as to what this night would bring. She hadn't been to a carnival in ages or close to never. Not only that, but this could be the night that changed things for Cordelia and Angel. She could just imagine them getting stuck in the Ferris wheel or fighting a demon off together and winding up in each others arms. The scenarios danced in her head, but Cordelia's abrupt shouting burst her bubbling thoughts. 

"Angel! Stop harassing Lorne. I'm sure Connor is doing just fine." 

"I wasn't calling Lorne," he denied tucking away his cell phone into his pocket. 

"Oh yeah?" 

"I was checking my voice mail." 

"You don't know how to check your voice mail," Cordelia replied. 

Gunn ignored the two behind him. "So where are we headed first?" Gunn clapped his hands together in anticipation. 

"I guess it would be best to walk around until Cordelia sees something she remembers from her vision," Wesley suggested. 

"Nah, I meant which ride first. Man this place is packed." 

"Especially considering the season," Cordelia said. 

Noticing Angel had returned his attention to his cell phone, she leaned over to subtly smell him. 

"Did you just sniff me?" Angel asked, eyeing Cordelia oddly as she straightened up, not missing a step as she walked beside him. "I smelled baby powder. I was wondering where it was coming from." 

"I do not smell like baby powder," Angel protested. 

"Don't worry. This in no way reflects badly on your manliness." 

"If you're feeling a little insecure you can always prove it by winning a stuffed animal. That's why they're here," Gunn suggested, referring to the nearest game stand. 

"Oh, that looks like fun," Fred said, stopping at the game stand. 

"Hey guys we're here on business," Angel reminded them. 

"We have the whole night. Live a little." Cordelia said. She turned her head around taking in the surroundings. She watched the disgustingly happy couples laughing together, the glowing lights of the stands and rides, heard the blaring noises of the people and the music blasting in the background. This was what life was. And this was her one night out in it. Another sign she had to get back out there. Back to the night life. The _other_ kind of night life that didn't involve demon guts. 

A burst of cool air hit her and she inwardly shivered. Damn this January weather, she thought. L.A. wasn't supposed to go below 70 degrees, at least not in her book. Turning her face back to the others a gleam of light caught her eye. It was coming from the House of Mirrors a few feet ahead. 

"That looks familiar," Cordelia said to Angel as she began walking towards it. 

"Your vision?" 

"Yeah. Should we go in?" Noticing Angel's hesitation as he looked to the others beginning to play at the gamestand, she added, "You can win a stuffed animal for Connor later." 

The two entered the house of mirrors and found themselves walking down a hall before they were assaulted by dozens and dozens of mirrors. Cordelia's reflection bounced around the room, stretched, spiraling, and shortened. 

"Okay, this was a bad idea. We may never find our way out. You know this morning I was so sure there was more than one demon, despite what I thought at first." 

"Yeah." 

"But maybe it was just one demon, and it was here." She turned to face him, but was meet with empty air. "Angel?" she called out. Where had he gone to, she wondered looking around for him. She walked further down the maze of mirrors, bumping quite a few times into glass walls. "Angel?" She called out, colliding right into him. 

She screamed out, "Dammit, Angel! Like I don't have enough stress. Give me your hand. And here I thought you didn't need a bell around your collar anymore." 

"What?" She reached for his hand and held him in a firm, but soft grip. A little fazed by the sudden contact, he found himself lagging behind as she walked forward. 

"This would be the worst place ever to run into with a vampire behind you." She turned to give him one of her 100-watt smiles at the irony. Here she was with a vampire at a House of Mirrors and she was perfectly fine. In fact, she could probably convince him to stake himself. And at the moment, it seemed like anything but the worst place to be. 

Angel shook his head. He didn't know how he was supposed to survive much longer without reaching out and touching her. Well, looking down at their entwined fingers, he was actually touching her now. But that's not what he meant. Just something small like this and he was getting lost in the feel of her heat. The feel of her skin. 

He could almost pretend they were together, but was interrupted at her yell of frustration when she reached a dead end. She didn't look too happy. Or patient for that matter. He supposed it was wrong of him to not just tell her the way out, but he didn't feel like shortening the moment. He knew, except for unusual moments like these, he would never be able to reach out and touch her. The problem was that in times like these he almost forget it was impossible. 

"Okay that accomplished nothing," she noted as she found their way out of the maze. She disengaged from him and walked over to the rest of the gang with Angel slowly following. "Hey. No stuffed animal?" 

"Five games each and we couldn't hit more than two bottles," Gunn answered. 

"So much for proving male prowess by brute physical strength," Cordelia remarked. After all that's what they seemed to be doing. Hey, I won a stuffed animal. Now you have to pick me, Fred. Actually it wasn't that bad. It was kinda sweet. She just wasn't sure if Fred was ready for their pissing contest. 

Angel's eyes instantly brightened. "Let me give it try," he said casually as he handed over some money and received a ball in exchange. He effortlessly threw the ball and down came all the bottles. He grinned at the guys, "Hmmm. No problem there." 

"Check out the alpha male," Cordelia said. Guys. All the same, whether alive or undead. 

"What stuffed animal here would you like?" the game stand keeper asked. 

"Um. What do you think, Cordy?" Angel asked, unsure of the right gift for Connor. 

"That one. Definitely," pointing to a cute, stuffed lamb on the right hand corner of the shelf. She quickly found it in her hands. "Still not man enough to hold a stuffed lamb I see." 

They walked off together, Fred watching them as Cordelia took the stuffed lamb and put it in Angel's face, pretending it was talking to him. Angel looked at her strangely, before he responded to whatever the lamb had said. It wasn't long before she had him laughing. 

Fred sighed, "They are perfect together." 

"Not going to happen, Fred," Gunn said. 

Fred looked at Wesley for support, but he remained strangely quiet as he watched Angel and Cordelia together. 

"Why not?" Fred asked, turning back to Gunn. 

"Angel's too chicken to tell her."   
  
************  
  


Twenty minutes later, Cordelia was watching Fred, Gunn, and oddly enough Wesley riding the bumper cars. It didn't take a rocket scientist, or someone who actually knew something about human behavior, to see the faint hostility between Gunn and Wesley. At least Fred seemed to be having fun. She was completely oblivious to the kind of tension she was causing. God, it felt like a scene out of _My Girl_, Cordelia thought. 

"Fred makes me feel so old. Just look at her out there having the time of her life," she said as she watched the pure glee in Fred's eyes. Wesley looked less comfortable, but he was pretty good out there. Gunn always looked comfortable, but out there he had extra boyish charm. 

"You're not old," Angel assured her. 

"Oh please. Just look at us, the old-timers, sitting it out on a bench." 

"Hey, this qualifies as a ride," he said patting the bench, regarding it as though it was an old friend. "Nothing wrong with sitting down and resting." 

"I really am old," she bemoaned. 

"You're not old. You just had a vision last night of course you don't want to get on a bumper car. Hey, how about us old timers go over to the boardwalk. Enjoy the view," he suggested. 

"What about the re-con?" 

"Rest of the night remember?" 

"Right." They stood up and walked over to the bumper cars. "Hey! We're heading to the boardwalk. Be right back," Cordelia yelled. 

Angel held out his arm for her to hold onto. They walked to the boardwalk in silence, not wanting to disrupt the peace they rarely had. 

"It's beautiful. And quiet. Dancing lights and music." What had Angel said only a day ago? Plaid shirts and the beach. And here they were right now. To think that one day she might be with him in this same spot, but in the light of day. And Connor would be splashing around and making sand castles. The thought placed a gentle smile on her face. 

He watched her lost in her own thoughts. Another breeze passed through blowing strands of her hair against her face. He looked at her, tracing every curve on that face with his eyes, making sure to pound her features into his memory. She looked beautiful. She was beautiful. And- looking at him right now like he had said everything out loud. 

She tilted her head and looked at him curiously. Her question died on her lips as she looked into his eyes, that were dark with desire, want, and other bad, bad nouns. The only thought in her head whispered 'danger Will Robinson.' Her lips parted involuntarily as she wondered what the hell was happening. She could feel his gaze on her lips and wondered again for the millionth time what the hell was happening. This couldn't be happening. 

"Angel," she said hesitantly, drawing out his name. He felt himself suddenly paralyzed by her voice when he was only inches away from kissing her. 

She wasn't sure what she was going to say next and she would never find out as a sudden thought intruded into her mind. Her eyebrows furrowed at the no longer blurry memory. "I think this is where it happened," she said, her voice sounding strangely loud. 

And just like that, as quickly as it had sprung up, the heart fluttering moment of anticipation dissolved. 

Cordelia hid back a feeling of disappointment she wasn't quite ready to deal with. She continued, "I mean it happened in the midst of the carnival, but this is where the demons were leading the people, I think." 

"Huh. Well, uh, why would they be leading them here? It doesn't fit their M.O.," he said trying to recover from the slap of reality. 

She walked away from him, looking towards the carnival. "We should head back." Imagination really is a powerful tool, she thought, shaking out a breath.   
  
***********  
  


"I mean they're practically a couple already. She was carrying the stuffed animal he won, they went on a romantic stroll by the beach. I mean it's already happening," Fred said, ignoring Gunn's look of disapproval and Wesley's glum face. 

"It's not that simple," Wesley commented. 

"And why do we always have to talk about them? It's not like they are the only ones that can have a love life. In fact Angel is the only one of us who can't," Gunn added. How was anything supposed to happen if she was fixated on those two? 

"Hey we're back. See anything unusual?" Cordelia asked. 

"Well the game stands seem to go against all the laws of probability," Fred offered, as she bit into her caramel apple. 

"Go figure," she said eyeing the gooey caramel apple. Maybe it was just the fact that Fred hadn't eaten anything normal in the last 5 years, but Cordelia swore Fred was orally fixated. Everytime she turned around she was snacking on something. 

"Actually we did find out something. It seems this carnival is raising money for a charity. And guess who is hosting all this?" Wesley informed them. 

"Wolfram and Hart," Angel stated. 

"Exactly." 

"I thought these demons weren't the kind that play well with others. Why would they be helping them?" Cordelia questioned. 

"The demons would get to have their own little playground of mayhem and the firm gets to have the body count they want," Gunn said. 

"I knew this was an odd time for a carnival," Fred commented. 

"More than that. I think they are holding it at this particular time for a ritual sacrifice that must be performed during this month," Wesley informed them. 

"The beach definitely plays a part in all this. I remembered it from my vision. They seemed to be leading the people there." 

"So now we know what exactly to research," Fred said shivering slightly from the cold. 

"And why The Powers that Be gave us so much time. We can't fight this alone. We need to get some help," Cordelia pointed out. Noticing Fred shiver, Cordelia asked, "Is chivalry dead?" 

Looking at each other briefly before looking back to Fred, Wesley and Gunn both scrambled to offer their jacket. Cordelia looked on in amusement. Okay that was wrong, she thought, but it was eventually going to come to a head anyway. She turned her gaze to Angel, wanting to see what he thought of all this, only to find his eyes already on her. Once again he left her with the haunting feeling of uncertainty.   
  
  
**TBC...**


	3. Belonging

**Title:** Caught Up in the Past (3/?)   
**Author:** Hidden Willow   
**Email:** willow4614@hotmail.com   
**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Not mine.   
  
From here on in this is a slightly revised version of what I had posted over at Stranger Things.   
  
  
**Part Three**  
***************   
  


Cordelia's eyes were intently focused on the task at hand. Making sure her hands were not trembling, she swooshed the handle up leaving a red streak in its wake. Perfect, she thought. She looked at the result of her labor and was content to see a brilliantly red polished toenail. Her focus moved over to the next toe just as a cough interrupted her. A stuffy, British cough to be sure. 

"Cordelia, your attention and help would be appreciated," Wesley said. 

"I am completely focused. I'm just painting my nails in the meantime. I multi-task," she said offering up a quirky smile. Gunn looked on amused and thankful for the distraction. 

"What I want to know is where you got the nail polish? You keep it in your purse?" Gunn asked, knowing that Fred didn't own anything as attention grabbing as red nail polish. 

"First of all, a woman never divulges her secrets, and second of all, are you crazy? You're just asking for trouble if you put nail polish in your purse, especially if it's Prada," Cordelia replied as she leaned down to go on to the next toe. 

"You have a Prada purse?" Fred asked as her eyes twinkled more in reverence of Cordelia than fashion. 

"Well, no, but I agree with you. I should really have one. That was a big neon hint for you guys, just so you know," she told them. "I left the nail polish here," she added. She didn't know if it was her incoherent babbling or just the topic matter that left the guys speechless. She had been feeling energized ever since the imagined almost kiss. The Imagined Almost Kiss. It was worthy of capitals. 

"Do you have a toothbrush over here as well?" Gunn asked curiously, ignoring Wesley's look of annoyance that the conversation had gotten this far. She was practically living here. He just wanted to know if she realized that. 

"Well, yeah. So?" I have to keep a few items here with the godforsaken hours I put in, she thought as she painted the last toe. 

Wesley pinched his nose in annoyance. It wasn't so much her distraction that bothered him, but the entire night. It was his stupidity of trying to win over Fred's affections by attempting to outdo Gunn every chance he got whether it was at the gamestands, the bumper cars, or making sure Gunn didn't get seated with Fred at the Ferris wheel. And most certainly Gunn hadn't looked too happy when he ended up seated next to Big Bertha. 

The point was he knew trying to beat him wasn't going to accomplish anything. As he gazed upon dusty books a pain continued to pick at him at the back of his eyes because he knew no matter how hard he tried to beat Gunn it all came down to Fred. It was her decision to make. And he couldn't help thinking it wouldn't be his hand she would reach for in the end. "For god's sake people. Can we get back to the matter at hand?" Wesley said frustrated by the path of his own thoughts. 

Cordelia looked at him, slightly frustrated herself. "We've been at the matter at hand for the last hour," she said, closing the nail polish bottle. "It's late, Wesley. Let's call it a night. We've canvassed the area, in between getting on the rides. We've done the research." 

"Some of us have," Wesley said pointedly. 

"What do we have?" Angel asked, returning to the group after checking up on Connor. He looked at Cordelia's legs stretched out on the coach preventing him from sitting down. She looked up at him innocently. Only a couple of hours ago he had almost kissed her and now she was acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. If that's what she wanted...Well, he could give just as good as he got. 

"Ask Cordelia," Wesley said. 

Angel looked at her for a moment before lifting up her legs so he could sit down, then placing them back down on his lap. She looked on in amusement as Angel made room for himself. It had been all in her mind earlier that night. She had known that, but this just reinforced it for her. No way Angel would be this comfortable with her if they had almost kissed. Everything was okay. 

"Well?" Angel asked, bringing her back to reality. 

"We're dealing with Grunog demons who have a penchant for killing women and children. They have a extreme vicious streak, but aren't the brightest crayons in the box. They've apparently set up some kind of arrangement with Wolfram and Hart, who need the slaughter to appease Aegir, some bigwig demon, with the ritual. The ritual involves sacrificing some innocents and throwing their bodies into the sea," she wiggled her newly painted toes at Angel as she finished proudly. In your face, Wesley. 

Angel unsuccessfully tried to hide back a grin. If this was as far as their relationship would go he could deal with it. He had to. He was lucky as it was. He just had to forget the way she made him feel and the way he felt for her. 

Realizing what she had just said, he asked, "Did you say Aegir?" 

"Yeah, you know him?" 

"Only from Norse Mythology." 

"Yes, it seems there is some truth to the tale," Wesley commented. He had found that discovery intriguing as well. 

"That's what I learned in Sunnydale. Some fairytales are true," Cordelia said, remembering the Hansel and Gretel debacle in her mind all too well. 

"Fairytales are real?" Fred asked, the gears and shifts in her mind whirling at the possibilities. 

"Whoa now. Let's not back track," Cordelia warned. Reality still seemed to be a new thing for Fred. Though Cordelia knew the brunette had given up on life being a fairytale she also knew that Fred's tenuous hold on reality was...well, tenuous. 

"Aegir was the god of the ocean. He had a habit of sinking ships and killing sailors. Actually, Vikings even sacrificed some people before leaving port in order to appease him," Wesley informed them, switching into Watcher mode. 

"Let me get this straight. Not only do we have to deal with these Grunog things, but now we have to fight a god?" Gunn asked. 

"It's not a god, it's a demon, though quite honestly a powerful one. But I don't believe so. I've looked into other mentions of Aegir or sea gods that fit his description. I've been led to believe that he can not get on to solid land. We just have to make sure the sacrifice doesn't happen." 

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," Fred said cautiously optimistic. 

"The five of us still aren't going to be enough." Cordelia said, moving her legs off of Angel. 

"Three of us," Angel corrected. "The demons target women. You and Fred can take the night off. No arguments," Angel said sternly, as he saw Cordelia about to protest. She didn't bother turning to Gunn or Wesley already knowing they held identical stern expressions. 

"Fine. I think I can survive a night off of demon duty," she said sarcastically. 

"Now we have to figure out who we're going to get to help us out. Any ideas?" 

"Sunnydale?" Gunn offered. 

"No way!" Cordelia yelled at the suggestion. Finding all eyes on her, she pressed herself into the coach, embarrassed. "Okay, I'm not the most unbiased person, but c'mon. We've been through worse without having to go back there and ask for help. And so have they. Besides, I'm sure Buffy has enough to deal with. There has to be another option." 

"We don't have many options. We're not exactly liked in L.A," Angel pointed out. 

"I wonder why," Cordelia said dryly. 

"How about we take a little vote? Who wants to involve Sunnydale in this?" Gunn asked, raising his own hand. A sudden silence filled the air as nobody else followed suit. Gunn slowly lowered his hand, placing it on the back of his neck as though he had never raised it. "What? I've never met them before. Want to know what all the fuss is about," Gunn said feeling like the odd man out. 

Fred shared a sympathetic look with him. She was on the outside of this as well. She, however, didn't want to bring the Sunnydale people in on this, or as Cordelia called them, the Scooby Gang. She knew all about Buffy Summers. She had read the file. 

Buffy Anne Summers. The girl who wouldn't die and who didn't follow rules. Imagine that. A vampire slayer with a vampire. But it had happened and it hadn't ended nicely-- the several times it had ended. The first time resulted in Angelus, the second in her sending Angel to Hell, and the third in Angel moving to L.A. 

From what Fred gathered Buffy was an unusual slayer. She had a strong spirit that was prone to unruliness, but she was determined and courageous. But she was also as blind as a bat, Fred thought. She had never truly seen Angel, Cordelia, or Wesley for what they were. She didn't understand how this girl managed to get everyone crazy. But all that mattered to Fred was somehow she did and with things going as well as they were between Angel and Cordelia Buffy was a big no-no. 

"What are our other options?" Cordelia, Wesley, and Angel asked simultaneously breaking the silence. The others apparently didn't want to bring Buffy into it either.   
  
**********  
  
Cordelia sighed as she opened the door to her apartment. 

"Honey, I'm home," she announced. It had been a long night. A fun night, but a long one. No, nix that. It had been a fun, confusing, long night. Yeah, that summarized it better. Time to cut down on the Tylenol she was hallucinating. No, it was the lack of sleep, the vision pain, AND the medication that had gotten to her. That was her own little insanity plea. 

She threw her jacket onto the chair and missed by several feet. Dennis promptly picked it up and placed it on the chair. 

"Thanks, Dennis," she said wearily as she removed her shoes. "So guess what. I have a night off tomorrow. Me and Fred are 'forbidden' to go help stop the ritual sacrifice at the carnival," she said as she walked to her room. "I haven't had a night off in awhile. How pathetic is it that I'd rather be with Angel and Connor in that dreary hotel than go out? That means something doesn't it?" 

He didn't respond as she changed into something more comfortable. "Has to mean something," she echoed as she looked thoughtfully at the phone. Was it too late to call? She picked up the receiver and slowly started dialing. 

"Steven? Hi... Sorry for calling so late...I know this is short notice but I was wondering if we could do something tomorrow night..." 

It means I need to get myself a life, she silently answered.   
  
**********  
  


"Are you okay with this?" Angel asked, somewhat concerned. 

"Like you said we don't have many friends in L.A.," Gunn answered. 

Angel nodded his head in understanding before leaving him. 

Gunn was left in the lobby with Wesley who was pretending not to be listening. "Say it, English." 

"Are you prepared to face them again?" Wesley asked, referring to Gunn's old crew. 

"They aren't bad people. Just misguided. I'm not far off from them or what they believe." 

"I should hope you are. The world isn't black and white, Gunn. If seeing them again isn't something you are ready for we will find another way." 

"Yeah, in the whole twelve hours we have left." He moved away from Wesley and walked over to the doors leading out into the garden. His face remained hard and his jaw clenched as he looked out the window. 

Wesley watched him helplessly, knowing he had to hold himself back from trying to help. He knew this was something the young man would have to deal with alone. 

"Don't worry they'll be there," Gunn added half-distracted as he continued looking out the window, not bothering to face Wesley. 

Fred pressed her knees against herself as she sat at the top of the stairs. She had heard everything. The urge to run into her room and never leave was temporarily supressed as she felt someone sit down next to her. 

"Hi," Cordelia said, examining Fred carefully. "Eavesdropping?" 

"They're going to ask _them_ for help," she said distressed. 

"I heard." 

"I don't understand. He isn't like them at all. He's wrong." 

"He's not one of them anymore, but a part of him will always be. You know, he wasn't the only one who used to think everything was black and white. I thought that too, once." 

"Did you have fun killing things?" Fred's voice sounded unusually thick and uneven with contempt. "What if he goes back? How do you know he won't go back?" 

"Because he can't go back. He left because it hurt too much to stay. All that is left there are bad memories. He let his family down and he cant go back after that. One thing hasn't changed. He still wants to fight for the mission and he's found that here. He's found people just like him. People fighting for the mission, fighting to move on from the past and become someone different, someone better." 

Fred looked down, taking in all she'd just heard. She knew Gunn had trouble facing that part of his life. She understood that. She knew what it was like to drown in memories and pain. The only way she had kept sane was to make herself free in the one place she could, in her head. She remembered how it felt to be lost, how it still felt, and she could feel the sickening churn of her stomach. People who got lost didn't always find their way back. And if he wasn't there then a part of her would be lost with him. She was sure of it. 

Noting the look of her face change from understanding into panic Cordelia assured her, "Don't worry. This family of ours isn't going to break apart so easily. I won't let it happen." A sudden thought occurred to her. "Fred. Is that why you are trying to get me and Angel together? To solidify the group?" she asked softly. 

"No. You two belong together. He loves you and I know you love him," she said certain. 

"Love doesn't always make things stronger. Sometimes it's what ruins everything."   
  
**********  
  


The sunset had gone down two hours ago. The meeting with Gunn's old friends had been a bit awkward, but both sides tried to treat it simply as business. That was all Gunn seemed ready for. Angel knew how hard it was facing your past and facing old friends who were now more like strangers. 

It had been a peaceful night only minutes ago. Now dozens of people ran past him, trying to get away from the mayhem. Their screams drowned out the sound of the music, but there were moments in between, for mere milliseconds, when not a scream was heard, but only the haunting sound of the carnival. He had lived for times like these. Humans running around in a frenzy, while the world continued in its almost indifferent serenity. A part of him still lived for times like these. 

Even now he still lived in the slow dance. It was a common misconception that vampires lived in a blast of violence and death, but it wasn't like that at all. There was speed, but there was elegance. There was brutality, but there was a hidden, unspeakable beauty to it. There was death, there was pain, and there was fighting, but in this, especially this, you could feel forever in the slow, infinite world around you. 

He was glad she wasn't here. He was glad every time she didn't come along because he didn't want her to see this part of him. It would never die and maybe she could accept that, but he couldn't. 

Only minutes into the fight and it was almost over. He quickly checked out the area. Three near the stands, another three fighting Gunn's old friends, and Wesley and Gunn were fighting together against two demons. Looks like those three are mine, he thought grimly. 

He ran off to meet the demons, grabbing one of them and throwing him into the game stand. Two demons, who had been trying to drag a woman who had fallen, turned their attention and gruesome faces to him. This should be fun, Angel thought as he headed towards them, deftly grabbing a battling axe he had dropped minutes before. 

He just hoped he'd be home soon and that Cordelia would be there.   
  
**********  
  


This night was important to her. Very important, but apparently some people were just intent on giving her a hard time tonight. Maybe it was because last week she had spent more nights with Angel than with him, or that tonight she brought somebody home Dennis didn't like. She didn't really care. This night was important to her. It was the ideal way to get her life back on track. Not that her life wasn't wonderful, meaningful, and full of people she cared about and cared about her. The problem was she was starting to forget. She was forgetting a lot of things. She was forgetting that Connor wasn't related to her, that Angel could hurt her again, and that blood drinking was not your everyday normal. 

"Dennis," she hissed, trying to hide the floating business cards. A few minutes ago it was the coasters and before that he was changing the music. She didn't know why he was being so difficult. It wasn't like she brought people over all the time, but she supposed as it was she was spread thin. There was Angel, Connor, her visions, her friends. Add in a new guy as love interest and there was no time for Dennis. 

"Why are you doing this to me? You were being good," she sighed. "I can disconnect the cable. Cable that I can hardly afford anyway, but you sure seem to enjoy," she threatened. He still waved a business card in her face. She took it in mid-air making sure her date didn't see. It was the Angel Investigations business card. He took it out of her hand again and motioned to the door before he placed it back on the table. She looked at the door confused. 

Walking back to her date who was sitting on the coach, she asked "Could you check up on the coffee and carry it over here? I don't dare to in these shoes." Giving him something to do would give her the opportunity to check what was going on outside. 

"Sure," he smiled. Cordelia watched appreciatively as he walked away. Dating was like riding a bike. You never forgot how. 

She went over to the door and listened for any movement outside. He couldn't be here, she thought. What would he be doing here? He was supposed to be out stopping the ritual or back at the hotel recovering. Sure, he could be creepy, but he wouldn't just be standing outside her door, would he? 

She tentatively reached for the door knob and pulled it open to find, just as Dennis had tried to tell her, Angel. 

"Hi." Cordelia greeted him. 

"Hi," he said sheepishly. It was just his luck that she'd catch him in another act of being an obsessive vampire guy. He had been debating whether or not to knock on her door for the last few minutes. Tonight, she had the night off and here he was horning in on it...again. 

She looked behind her for a moment before turning her attention back to him. "Did everything turn out alright?" 

"Yeah. Nobody was seriously hurt," he said, wincing inwardly at the injuries all over his body. He hadn't been bandaged. That was Cordelia's job. It wasn't something he needed, vampire healing and all, but it was something he wanted. The feel of human contact. Soft, gentle, warm. The feeling of being looked after, cared for, loved. But she hadn't been at the Hyperion when he had returned. One night off and he had missed her. 

"Good," she said brusquely. The space of silence grew as Angel shifted his feet and Cordelia fidgeted with the doorknob. "What are you doing here?" she finally asked. 

"Just checking in. Are you going out?" he asked, noting she was dressed up in a red slinky dress that showcased her legs. Her body seemed to instantly stiffen at his question. She didn't want him to be here. The thought hit him hard. 

"Actually, I was just out." 

"You have company," he realized, looking past her into her apartment. 

"Yeah. This can wait until tomorrow right? Fantastic. See you then," she said quickly trying to close the door on him. 

Angel instantly put his foot out to keep the door from closing. He could hear a man in the background asking who it was. He couldn't believe her. She hadn't been dating lately and now that they had almost kissed she decided to date again? No length of years could make a man understand a woman. "Aren't you going to introduce us?" 

"No." 

Angel took that as a yes as he sidestepped her and entered her apartment. She sighed as she closed the door. "Angel, this is Steven. Steven, Angel. Angel is-" she hesitated for a moment, finding herself looking at Angel. He looked on with interest on how she was going to describe their relationship. Friend or..."-a co-worker of mine." 

Steven held out his hand and after a beat Angel shook it. A loud knock rang out in the room. At least Dennis thinks this is funny, she thought as she massaged her temples. "Pipes," Cordelia explained off-hand regarding the noise. 

Angel observed her date with hard eyes. He was just a typical Los Angeles guy. Blonde hair and blue eyes and a clean-cut look. There was nothing that set him apart, but here she was wasting her time with this guy as if he deserved her. 

"Where did you two met?" Angel asked, beginning his interrogation. How nice it felt to be back on this side. 

"At the video store," Steve answered as he sat down on the couch. 

"Oh, _that_ guy," he said snidely as Cordelia dragged him away for a private chat. 

"Yes, _that_ guy." 

"And he's at your place already. That's kinda skanky don't you think?" he said with his face a perfect mask of innocence. 

She shook her head in disbelief. He hadn't actually said that, had he? "I invited him in for coffee," she said defensively, crossing her arms. 

"Coffee. We all know what that means, don't we?" 

"Get out," she demanded, tired of his childish behavior. She was used to his protective routine, but this was beyond anything else he had ever tried. Apparently Dennis wasn't the only one capable of petty jealousy. 

"Hey. You're being awfully rude." 

"Angel. I'm serious. You are not going to ruin my night." She grabbed him by the elbow and began walking him over to the door, smiling a fake smile at her date all the while. Important night, important night, she chanted to herself. She wasn't going to get side tracked by feeling guilty for not staying over to help Fred watch Connor or for not bandaging Angel up. She had the right to care about her social life every now and then. Besides, he was being an ass. 

He pulled away from her grasp. He knew he had crossed a line and was on the verge of being thrown out. He didn't quite understand why he was acting like this. It wasn't exactly the way to her heart, but he felt everything that had been happening in the past few weeks was slowly being chipped away. And by what? Some random date. 

She looked at him expectantly. The look that screamed 'this better be good.' He struggled to find something to explain himself. He didn't mean to ruin her night. "I am not a night-ruiner," he finally said, the sentence fumbling on his tongue. 

"Have you been drinking bad blood?" 

"No," he answered, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

"Then stop talking like me," she said as she made a final push towards the door and opened it. 

He swiftly turned to face her. His eyes brimming with something she couldn't quite place. "Why are you with him? Aren't we enough? Have I been holding you back?" He was worried. He was worried that he was wrong about how much she cared about him. He was worried that she could care more about this guy than him. 

Cordelia felt completely startled by his questions. She was amazed how he could turn from raving lunatic to vulnerable puppy in mere seconds. She knew she was in trouble. She could feel herself getting lost in his worried, lonely eyes. Sometimes, somehow, she would almost forget... how socially inept he was. No, she chided herself. What she would forget was how vulnerable he could be. And he laid himself out there for her. He was worried about losing her. How many times had she worried that he would leave her? 

"Nice meeting you," Steven said, suddenly at Cordelia's side ruining her chances to respond. 

Angel knew he could make this guy disappear in a second. He wouldn't have to worry about losing her than, he'd just have to worry about Cordelia's wrath. More importantly that would make her unhappy. And she deserved to be happy, didn't she? "Have fun," he grunted before heading out the door.   
  
*********  
  
She felt horrible. All she had wanted was a nice evening out, but now she felt guilty and she didn't even know why. The night had been going wonderful until Angel had showed up. She couldn't forget how he had looked at her. 

This person she had been trying to be tonight wasn't her anymore. And for the last few months she had known it and accepted it. She even liked who she was, but somehow everything had gotten messed up and she had found herself trying to recapture her former self. 

She thanked her date and said goodnight as she got out of the car. She looked up at the Hyperion, wondering what the hell she was doing there. 

It was only a little past midnight now. She walked in, noticing Wesley's office door open and occupied. She quietly continued up the stairs. She didn't know why she was here or what she planned to say. She just knew Angel needed her. Connor needed her. Yes, Connor needs me too, she reminded herself. 

She felt uncertain being there and that was a feeling she didn't have often nor enjoyed. The feeling faded as she walked closer to Angel's half opened door, hearing the sound of his voice as he talked to Connor. She stood just behind the doorway, watching him as he held Connor in his arms. She couldn't help but feel warm all over whenever she watched those two together. 

"Why won't you go back to sleep? Hmmm? I know, I know. Cordy isn't here to take good care of you. She's on a date. She's on a date with some lowlife who picks up girls in the romance section of a video store. Can you believe that? Yeah, I don't like it either." 

Cordelia smiled. Lowlife? She could bet that Liam hadn't been much better on the evolutionary scale when it came to picking up women. 

"I wish she was her with us. But I guess you and I aren't as irresistible and charming as we think we are. Nah, you're right. It isn't us. It's her. She's being so dense lately." 

Her eyes narrowed at his comment. He was calling her dense? Is this what he told Connor when she wasn't around? 

"I mean she's a smart girl. She's perceptive. I'm supposed to be the dense one. But somehow she doesn't know. That's for the best though, isn't it? What if she doesn't love me back? What if she does, but she doesn't want to do anything about it? No point in making a fool out of myself. I do that enough as it is. I just don't know if I can keep pretending I'm not in love with her. How are you supposed to hide something like that?" 

Cordelia stumbled back at his words. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest. He couldn't love her. It just wasn't possible. What the hell is he thinking, a voice in her mind screamed. 

Angel's eyes instantly turned to the door, hearing the sudden pounding of a heart. He looked at her in surprise. Her hand accidentally pushed against the door opening it all the way. He had that deer in the headlights look. 

She could see he was trying to say something, but she didn't care for explanations right now. Though irrational, she couldn't help but feel betrayed. 

He stepped forward to do something, anything to stop that awful look in her eyes. 

Her body and mind seemed overwhelmed as she felt the deafening wave of a thousand emotions along with a dizziness sweep over her body. All she knew was she had to get out now. 

Before he could shake himself into action she turned around and ran off. He looked hopelessly at the door. He knew he had screwed everything up. 

Cordelia walked down the stairs in a hurry, step by step by step, carefully managing to keep balance despite her high heels. She had just reached the lobby when she crashed into a hard body. She gasped, her hand flew over her heart at the shock. Looking up she found a very confused Wesley staring back at her. "Could you take me home?" she asked.   
  
  
**TBC...**  
  



	4. No Regrets

  
**Title:** Caught Up in the Past (4/4)   
**Author:** Hidden Willow   
**Email:** willow4614@hotmail.com   
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Not mine.   
**Distribution:** Just ask   
**Reminder:** Post-'Dad' and Post-'Wrecked' 

Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it. And sorry for the hold up. Hope it was worth the wait.   
  
  
**Part Four**  
***************   
  


"Don't say it," Cordelia warned Wesley. She wasn't prepared to have a discussion with anyone right now. She tried to make herself relax, but she couldn't get rid of the dull throbbing pain going through her body. But then again the dull pain was the only thing protecting her from the deadly feelings that were on the verge of getting out. 

She shook her head at the memory of the night's events. She knew she had handled everything wrong. Though, if blame could be placed anywhere she didn't feel too bad on putting it on Angel. After all, she wasn't the one who had irrevocably changed things. 

"I'm not saying anything. I don't know what's going on therefore I can't say anything about the situation," he said looking at her from the corner of his eyes. He saw her bite her lip in anxiety and drum her fingers against the car window. "All I know is it takes a lot to get Cordelia Chase to run away." 

The tapping stopped instantaneously. She took a quick glance in his direction before turning to him. She knew she had acted like an idiot. She had run from her best friend. Like he didn't have enough complexes. That wasn't her. It wasn't her to be acting like this at all. She didn't run away. She met things head on, so what was so different this time? You know, besides the fact that the stakes had never been this high before, she thought to herself. She frowned at her pun. 

Finding her voice, she responded, "I wasn't running. I was sprinting. Walking really fast. Speed Walking," she amended. 

"Ah. I see the distinction now," Wesley replied. He knew better than to press her right now. He might have been feigning ignorance, but he had a pretty good idea what was going on. Or rather, what had been going on for quite some time. At first, he thought he was mistaken, then he figured he'd ignore it, and finally he convinced himself it wasn't any of his business. But no matter how he felt it didn't change what was happening between those two. He only knew one thing. He'd be damned if he was going to just sit back and watch while they did something they regretted. He knew regret. He knew how sharp and unforgiving it was. He wasn't going to let that happen. 

"Well, you are amazingly brilliant," Cordelia complimented, managing a small smile. 

"I'm not giving you tomorrow off," he said knowingly. 

She sighed at her failure to get out of work. How could she be expected to face him tomorrow? He'd expect her to say something or do something. What the hell did she know? 

"If you need someone to talk to..." He offered. 

"Thanks, Wesley. I'm just not ready to talk yet," she said turning away from him. Instead she kept her eyes on the window, trying to concentrate on the buildings and night life, but it was obstructed by her reflection. A reflection she didn't want to see right now. 

As the car pulled up to her building, she spoke, "You're right. I don't run away from things. Nothing scares me. I'll be in bright and early tomorrow- or, you know, when I usually come in." 

"Goodnight," Wesley said, proud to see her acting more like herself. He was sure things would be closer to being resolved tomorrow. They could settle things between themselves. He had been foolish to think they needed him interfering like some sort of referee. 

"Goodnight, Wes. Thanks for the ride," she said as she got out. She hesitated as she closed the door. I won't be able to fall asleep if I don't ask, she thought. "Could you keep an eye on Angel?" 

"Sure."   
  
******************  
  


He knew he shouldn't have come, but Angel had felt the desperate need to make sure she was okay. He stood a few feet from the streetlight, staring up at her bedroom window. The lights had gone off quite awhile ago and yet he remained. 

He couldn't possibly know what she was thinking right now. Disgust was definitely a possibility after the way she had bolted out of the room. What else could he really expect? Nothing. He didn't expect anything. He never meant for her to hear, especially like that. But she had found out and now everything was in danger. 

It was bound to happen. He had been playing a dangerous game. He had pushed the line of friendship as far as he could in order to satisfy his expanding need to be near her. Anything to touch her. Anything to make her laugh. Anything to make her see how much he cared. 

And now he found himself about to lose everything because of that greed. He would lose her because he let himself hope for something more. As if what he had now wasn't more than he deserved. A bitter smile reached his face as he realized even now he wished he was with her. But what could he do? What could he say? 

He ran up and jumped up the fire escape. In only a short series of movements he found himself perched right outside her window. There she was curled up in her bed. He couldn't see her face from where he was, but he could hear soft, muffled sounds. It only took him a moment to realize she was crying. 

His eyes fell away from her as he looked down in shame. All he ever seemed to do lately was hurt her. He threw himself back to the ground in anger. The pain of the landing burned, but he ignored it as he walked away from her. He didn't know where he was going he just needed time to think things out. He only hoped he could fix the damage he had done.   
  
******************  
  


Fred stood at Wesley's office door for the second time this morning. The first time was to let him know that Angel had left in the middle of the night, leaving Connor in her care. He hadn't seemed surprised by that at all. Her smile had broken out at the implications, but he had remained contained. Lately, nothing seemed to excite him. Though, he sure had a competitive nature, she thought. So did Gunn, but that wasn't so surprising given his personality. 

She stood now offering a shy smile as she shook the box of donuts slightly to ask if he wanted some. He smiled back, but shook his head. Turning around she headed back to where Gunn was seated by the kitchen. 

"Do you think Wesley's been acting strangely lately?" she asked as she sat beside him. 

"Everyone's been acting strangely lately," Gunn answered, opening up the box of donuts and grabbing one. 

"If you have any more donuts, Charles, you are going to burst with jelly filling." 

He winked at her and took a bite. 

"I'm serious. Wesley..." She trailed off as she looked towards his office. The only time he every seemed to be around her was when there were others around. He never talked to her anymore. Sure, they had spent some time alone on the Ferris wheel, but he had spent the time there oddly quiet. She felt she had done all the talking, blurting anything she could think of to prevent silence. 

She wondered if there was something wrong with her. Something she had done. "Do you think Wesley's mad at me?" she asked. 

"No. He's just... Wesley. He likes you. We all like you," Gunn assured her. 

She smiled at his ability to make her feel better. She knew it most likely wasn't anything she had done. Wesley was the kind of man who was quiet, but deep down riddled with guilt and shame. He was the kind of man who felt broken inside, but she couldn't believe it. She knew him. She only wished he could see what she did. 

In a way she was like him. It wasn't guilt or shame, though. It was doubt. Doubt that ate away at her and made her wonder what was real and what she made up to protect herself. 

But as Gunn poured another cup of coffee and Wesley muttered about ancient Troklivian syntax as he grabbed a donut before going back to his office, she thought that maybe this was more real than anything else. Luckily, she had a little supernatural guidance at her disposal if need be. 

"So what do you think is going to happen between Cordelia and Angel?" she asked 

"Ten bucks says they won't bother to come in at all today," Gunn said, pushing the cup of coffee over to her.   
  
******************   
  


Cordelia stood outside the hotel ready to go in. Any moment now. She had been so sure of herself this morning, but right now, being right outside, she wasn't so sure she could do this after all. 

It had been a hard night. She even thought she had been crying in her sleep. She pushed that thought away as she whipped her hair out of her face, straightened her clothes, and took a deep breath before pushing through the door. 

She didn't want to think about any of that now. It didn't mean anything. She wasn't losing anything. She was going to make sure of that. 

She walked through the lobby with as much ease as she could fake. Her eyes instantly scaled up the stairs, searching for him. It was still early. He probably wouldn't wake up for a couple of hours. She could deal with that. She decided she'd let him talk first. It had to be a misunderstanding. 

It was actually funny. She had believed him last night. She was always telling him she loved him, after all for a unemotionally stunted vampire she figured it was important for him to hear, but she had never heard him say the words to her. So when he finally had she had mistook them for the other kind of love. How could she think Angel, the guy who couldn't say the friendship "I love you" could possibly say the I love you "love you"? 

She walked up to Fred and Gunn who were sitting down and having coffee. Oddly enough it looked like any other day. 

"Hey guys," Cordelia said cautiously as she approached them. 

"Hi," Fred said way too cheerful for Cordelia's taste. 

"Hey," Gunn greeted. He looked back to Fred who tried to suppress a giggle. 

Cordelia frowned. She didn't want to know. She turned around heading to Wesley's office. 

"Hey. How's Angel?" Gunn asked. 

Cordelia turned around swiftly. "What?" she exclaimed. 

"We know," Fred said simply. 

"Know what?" 

"About you two. You came over late last night and you left with Angel." 

"No, I didn't." 

"You didn't? Weren't you here last night?" 

"Yeah, but I left. Alone." 

"Oh. I guess he just...left." 

"Wait a second. Did he leave with Connor?" 

"No. He woke me in the middle of the night to take care of him," Fred said pointing to the baby monitor by her side. 

"Damn. And I thought he finally told you he loved you," Gunn said. 

"What?! You guys are...on something. Stop drinking coffee. It does evil things to your brain," she said as she poured herself a cup and took a long sip. So much for normal day. Nothing could make this morning feel any less surreal. "You wrong. He is not in love with me." 

"He did jump into a swirly portal into who knows where just for you," Gunn pointed out. 

"He's chivalrous! God, does loyalty mean nothing to you people," she said defensively. "I can't believe you sold him on that," she said to Fred. To Gunn, she said, "And I can't believe you are buying into it. He risks his life to save a lot of people. You think he loves each and every one of them?" 

"Does a river in Egypt mean anything to you?" 

"Gunn," Wesley warned, appearing behind Cordelia. "Do you two you mind leaving us alone for a moment." From the looks of things she wasn't so sure Wesley was thinking any differently than the others. Word sure got around quickly in this work area. So it was either playful ribbing or a serious talk with Wesley. From the frying pan into the fire. 

"Hey, I think we have a right to be here or is this little talk for ex-Sunnydalites only?" Gunn asked. 

"You're making us sound like orange refreshments," Cordelia said as she rubbed her temples. This was going to be a long day. 

"Sunnydalers. Better?" 

"I'm just going to go check up on Connor," Fred said wisely, sneaking back upstairs. 

"Gunn, I need to speak to Cordelia alone." 

"I think she needs the whole group effort on this one." 

"What is this? An intervention?" she mumbled. 

"Sure. Just give me a second to get Angel," Gunn joked. 

"That's it!" she exclaimed. "Why did I even let you guys speak in the first place. This is nobody's business except mine and Angel's. And we will deal with it on our own without the pesky advice and interference from our friends, _who are obviously on his side anyway_. I'm taking the day off." 

Before Wesley had a chance to protest, she added in her no-nonsense tone, "I'll call if I have a vision. Angel can take care of Connor by himself when he gets back. Give him a hard time for being reckless while you're at it. And to make sure you two don't start up on me again why don't you guys busy yourselves with your own issues." 

"What issues?" They both asked. 

"Your 'Fred' issues. This little competition of yours is so obviously going to get in the way of your friendship. Discuss!" she said leaving them somewhat stunned as she inched her way to the door. 

Too busy congratulating herself on her escape from the situation she failed to notice she was about to bump into Angel who was coming out from the basement. 

As they collided into each other, Angel held her from falling, his arms strongly holding her up. They looked at each other a bit dazed. 

Cordelia felt her emotions bubble up inside of her. Do something, she yelled to herself. One emotion came easy to her. She turned her emotions inside out until she felt herself begin to get angry. It was so much easier to feel angry because then she could ignore the butterflies. 

"What are you doing? Leaving in the middle of the night and coming back after sun rise? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You have people that depend on you. You think you could be more careful," she yelled at him as she left, slamming the door.   
  
****************  
  
Well, that went well, he thought. About as well as the time he was almost killed by a mob. For a second he was sure he was going to be killed just from the look in her eyes. She knew he had been out all night. Luckily, she didn't realize he had gone to see her. He knew that was probably the last thing she would have wanted, but he had needed to check up on her. He had seen more than enough. She had been crying because of him. 

She obviously didn't want anything to happen between them. He wasn't exactly known for having good relationships and here he was jeopardizing everything he had with her. 

He could do it. He could do whatever it took to keep her in whichever way he could. He never meant it to get this far anyway. 

Wesley was looking at him again. "What?" he asked impatiently. He needed to take a shower. He smelled like the sewers. Nothing like a night spent traveling through the sewer system to give you that nice sewer smell. 

"Aren't you going to go after her?" he asked. 

"One: sunlight. Two: she needs space," he answered. 

"Space? Since when do you give anyone space?" Wesley asked. Of course it occurred to Angel to be accepting and respectful of others when the matter didn't call for it. 

"You're the very definition of smothering, especially when it comes to Cordelia," Gunn agreed. 

"Don't you guys have your own problems to deal with instead of butting into my life," he said annoyed as he walked up the stairs. 

They heard the door slam an instant later. 

"Both stubborn as hell. They have to be made for each other. Go, man. We can talk later," Gunn assured him. He knew Wesley wanted to go after Cordelia. He also knew that their friendship would be okay. Cordelia and Angel on the otherhand... "You know those two won't fix anything on their own."   
  
******************  
  


"I swear to god if that's Angel..." Cordelia threatened to no one in particular as she padded over to the door. 

"Hello," Wesley said as she opened up. 

"Hi. Who won the fair lady's hand?" She asked as she let him in. 

"I thought I told you no day off," he said ignoring her attempts to throw him off. 

"Well. I think I do enough for everyone as it is. I need a break. Besides, you kids are driving me crazy," she said as she threw herself onto the couch. 

He took a seat beside her. "He loves you, you know. You can't hide from that or wish it away." 

"No, he doesn't. Okay, he said so, but he's just confused. Or he has a crush. I mean two people are friends for awhile and feelings are bound to happen. You know how it goes." Hey, a whole night's worth of rambling and logic couldn't be wrong. 

"I dare you to look into his eyes and tell me he doesn't love you." 

Her throat tightened at the idea. She knew she was fighting against reason. She had been since the whole thing started, but it felt a lot safer than dealing with reality. She knew he loved her. Knowing it now she wondered how she ever missed it. 

"How could this happen?" she whispered. "How could I not know what was going on? Especially when everyone else did. I mean, I know me and Angel have been crossing over into murky territory lately with the sleeping over and such, but it started before that didn't it? How far, Wesley?" 

"I don't know. You're asking the wrong person. What I do know is he's only realized his feelings recently. How long they have been around without him knowing I can't say." 

"But you saw what was happening, didn't you? You of all people should have had a word with him about this. A calm, authoritative talk over tea or something," she said as she toyed with her pillow. 

"And what? Forbid him to feel anything about you?" 

"Well, no, but I'd think you would have said something to him before the train wreck that is now. Thanks for the warning by the way." 

"Would you have believed me?" 

"I just don't understand. This isn't how he's supposed to feel. And I would think you'd be a lot less accepting about it. Weren't you the one who said office romances were a bad idea? 

"Yes, and I believe you were the one you mentioned the likelihood of meeting someone outside of work that could handle what we do. I wasn't too happy about it at first, but you two need each other. And when I see you two on the verge of pushing each other away I tend to get involved." 

"This is insane. Me and him?" 

"You aren't interested in him like that?" 

"I stopped thinking about him like that a long time ago." Noticing Wesley's apparent surprise, she explained, "It was highschool. He was this mysterious hottie and- stop looking at me like that! Anyway, it didn't take long for me to figure out he had Buffy on the brain and nothing would change that. I moved on. Case closed." 

"You're not in highschool anymore." 

"No, I'm not. I just can't help still thinking along those lines. I've had him permanently marked in the no-no category ever since. I don't think of him like that anymore." 

"Is it that you don't think of him like that or you don't let yourself?" 

"The difference being?" she asked. 

"Quite a lot actually. Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, besides the fact you don't feel that way there are plenty of reasons for you not to be with him." 

"Right," she said faintly. 

Wesley didn't like what he was about to do, but he didn't see another way. Tough love. They called it that for a reason. "And of course he has hurt you. When he fired us you seemed to take it hard. We all did. We learned we had more to fear than just Angelus." 

"I'm not afraid of Angel, Wesley. If that's what you are implying." 

"No, I don't think you are. Just afraid of being hurt like that again." He looked at her carefully as he spoke. "It must be hard to know that you could give up so much of your life, suffer through visions, be closer to him than anyone else, and he could just desert you." 

"Shut up," she snapped. She couldn't believe he was saying something so hurtful to her. "It's not just for him. I do this for myself and for all those people I can save. And he's more than proven that he cares about me, too. 

"At the time you were putting yourself at risk, but there were some things you weren't going to risk again." 

"No." Her eyes stared off to a point behind him as she continued, "I had almost forgotten what he was. He always told me never to forget. But I had." She could almost feel herself being pulled back to that moment. "But it wasn't just his vampire side was it? It was him. I thought what we had was everything. It was for me. I forgot that things weren't that clear cut for him." She looked up to him, trying to hide the strain in her voice. She let out a bitter laugh. "Did you know I cried after our confrontation with him. I had been so strong up until then, but then he threatened me. And for what? A stupid book. I looked into his eyes and I didn't even recognize him. All I saw were the cold eyes of a stranger." 

"Were you in love with him?" he asked gently. 

She shook her head at the very idea. How could she have ever been in love with Angel? She knew better than that. She did back then and she did now. Or at the very least she knew better now because of what had happened. Right before Darla had been turned by Dru she had started to forget how things really were with Angel. She had forgotten so much that maybe, just maybe she had started to fall for him. But that didn't matter. Except for the fact that just one day ago she had felt herself forgetting once more. 

Her eyes were hard by the time they returned to Wesley. "It's not going to happen this time. I'm not going to hurt that much again for something that can't and shouldn't happen. What I have now is worth it. I'm not going to lose that." 

"Even if you never find out what could have been? You just might regret it." 

"Or we talking about me or you? You're the one with regrets. Why can't you stop doubting yourself? Why don't you stop playing the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda' game when it comes to Fred and go talk to her and see what happens. She doesn't blame you, Wesley. So maybe you should stop blaming yourself. Not just about this, but about everything," she retorted. 

He only allowed her uncomfortably true comments to affect him for a moment before he controlled himself enough to speak again. "We're not talking about me. In fact, we're not even talking about you because it's not just about you, Cordelia. His heart is in this, too. I doubt he thinks being with you means losing everything. In fact, I bet he feels like he's already lost you."   
  
*******************  
  


He had marveled at his cruel luck when he found the lingering scent of Cordelia in the shower. Had it been barely a week since she had taken a shower here? Only a week since she had slept over? And now everything was falling apart. Now he feared that the only things he would have left of her were remnants all over the hotel. The lingering scent in the shower. A t-shirt of his she had worn when she had ruined her top during a fight. The sword she had used during their training. The clothes she had bought for Connor. 

Connor. His son would be losing her, too. She had been right when she had told him he couldn't raise Connor alone. Why would he want to? Connor belonged in the light and with only Angel he would never know it. How would he ever be able to explain to his son why the best thing in closest thing to a mother for him had left his life? 

Half an hour later he had stepped out of the shower with little improvement. He left Gunn and Fred to their own devices, barely noting Wesley's absence. He had spent most of the day in his room thinking. Quite possibly there may have been brooding. 

The only interruptions were Connor's short cries that demanded his attention and Fred poking her head in to ask if he was alright. He sometimes forgot how new she was to the group. She didn't know the brooding Angel like the rest of them did. And he had Cordelia to thank for that and for the opportunity Fred had now to witness his brooding. 

He hated to admit it, but he was angry with Cordelia. Not because she didn't feel the same way, but the way she was hiding from how he felt. She had done that not just today, not just last night, but for some time. She had to know they had been crossing the boundaries of friendship. The difference was he tried to ignore it because it was as close as he could get to her and if he actually brought it out in the open it would stop. Why had she ignored what was going on? 

It was only that stupid little question that was driving him nuts. He would do anything for her. He would even try to put aside what he was feeling, but if there was a part of her that actually might want this too and she was not listening to it, he just might go crazy. 

It was evening by the time Angel got out of his room and walked to the sink with Connor in his arms. The Hyperion was empty. Just him and Connor. That never happened. There was always someone here with him, but now he was alone. Start getting used to it, he thought. 

He heard the door swing open behind him. He knew it was her the instant she walked in. The smell of her perfume and that unique underlying scent attacked his senses. How could he have missed it last night? 

She stood there for a moment watching him from a distance. He had his back turned to her, but she knew he could feel her there. She watched him as he carefully held his son as he prepared a bath. She was always rendered silent when she saw him with his son. But right now the silence was unbearable. There was a chilling feel to the atmosphere in the hotel. It felt cold and empty. 

She pushed herself away from the door and walked over to him. "Hi." 

"Hi." 

"Where are the others?" 

"Fred went to see Lorne. Had some questions, I think she said. Gunn and Wesley went out. Something about a boy's night." 

"That's good." There was hope for them yet. 

"You haven't been here much in the past couple of days," Angel said quietly. 

"I know. Just trying to..." She shrugged her shoulders. What the hell am I trying to do, she thought. "...do something." 

"We need you here. He needs you here." He said looking at Connor. 

Wesley was right, she realized. Angel already thought he had lost her. Never. She reached out to touch Angel's face. "Hey, I'm still here. See? Me right here." 

He felt himself get drawn into her touch. He wanted to take that to mean everything was okay, but he knew it wasn't- they weren't. He felt her hand pull away. Not yet. "Help me bathe him?" he asked. 

"Sure." He turned Connor over to her as he got the basin and filled it with water. He didn't like bathing Connor alone. He was always afraid he had the water too hot or too cold. 

He could feel her beside him. So close to him, but so far away. What had he expected? Well, he hadn't expected her to run away. That wasn't her style. But that's what she had done. He turned off the faucet. 

Cordelia touched the water gingerly. A little too warm, she thought. She turned the cool water on for a moment. "Bath time," she tried to say enthusiastically, but her voice fell flat. Things could be okay. They had to be okay. 

She laid Connor down on the towels as she took off his tiny baby clothes and his diapers. She picked him up again, feeling his soft, squishy body against her hands. Angel took him and carefully placed him in the basin. 

It felt like home when she was here. He felt like home. "What happens now?" she asked as she washed Connor. She knew what she wanted. She was through with lying to herself, but she wasn't sure if she was willing to risk everything. 

"Are you done being outraged?" 

She felt stung by his question, even though she knew she deserved it. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that." she apologized. 

"What happens now is whatever has to happen for you not to leave," he said. 

"I'm not leaving. I told you that." 

"I just don't want things to change completely." He didn't want her treating him like a fellow worker. He needed her as a friend. 

"Neither did I," she said her voice heavy with regret. She couldn't help but still be afraid. However, if she was really honest with herself she could see that it was too late. Things couldn't go back to normal. They had already lost the safety of denial and ignorance. 

He looked at her sad eyes and it killed him to know he had caused it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to find out." 

"Oh, that's the right thing to say," she said sarcastically. 

"Okay. What do you think I should have done?" he said as he carefully splashed some water on Connor. 

"I don't know." 

"Yeah, so maybe you shouldn't be so critical of my method, hmmmm?" 

"You're method? There was a method to that?" Her eyes seemed to come back to life as she teased him. 

He finished washing Connor, and picked him up to dry him. He couldn't ignore the pang of pain that hit him. It wouldn't be so hard to slip back into friendship and it would be just as easy in a manner of weeks to slip back into this gray area that had caused the problem in the first place. "I need to ask you something." 

"Alright," she said as she helped dry Connor. His eyes staying intent on the task at hand, he asked, "What's going on? This isn't just about how I feel. You let things get as far as they did. Staying over here at night, almost kissing at the boardwalk- everything." 

"I didn't mean for that to happen. Hell, I thought I imagined the almost kiss. I guess I just thought that the rules didn't apply to us. I thought that we didn't have to worry about any of the boundary stuff because we both knew better than to intentionally cross the lines. It was stupid to think that we were immune." 

"Right," he nodded his head in understanding. He had his explanation now. "I just needed to know." He turned away, placing Connor in his bassinet. 

The past few days flashed through her mind. She remembered the way it felt to sleep beside him, the way they had laughed through the movie together, the determined look in his eyes when he told her he wasn't leaving, the way she had felt when she saw the look of desire in his eyes at the boardwalk, how she had wanted to be wit him instead of spending the night out, the tone of his voice when he was talking to Connor about her... And that was only this week. How long was she going to let her fear overpower her? 

"Not right," she said suddenly. "I didn't want to think about how dangerous things were getting. And it was dangerous. I didn't want it to stop either. I just didn't know why, but I do now." 

"Why?" he asked. 

"Because I-" She took a deep breath, "You're actually going to make me say it aren't you?" 

"You better or I can't be held responsible for what I do next." 

"I love you. And it's stupid and dangerous, but I do. I was just too scared to even admit it to myself and then when I heard you say you loved me it made things even more real." 

"Okay, I can see dangerous, but stupid?" 

"Angel," she chided. 

"I love you, too," he said, pulling her into him. 

"I just don't know what this means for us," she said, holding him tightly. 

"We'll figure it out together."   
  
  
************  
  
  


"Hello?" 

"Hi," Angel greeted. 

"Hi. You called back," Buffy said. 

"Sorry it took so long. There was..." Angel paused, recalling the events of the last few days, "...a lot going on around here." 

"Mmmm. Cordelia didn't sound too happy to hear from me when she picked up. I was wondering if she even told you I called." 

"She was just surprised to hear from you. She doesn't hate you." 

"News to me." 

"You should have seen how happy she was when she found out you were alive." 

"Only for you I'm sure." 

"Buffy," he warned. 

"I'm sorry that's not why you called. Actually, I don't know why you called." 

"I wasn't sure either. But I figured it out." 

"Okay," she said, waiting for him to go on. 

"I wanted to talk to you. I know the last time we saw each other...well, little was said." 

"I couldn't think of what to say to you. All I could concentrate on was that we were together, alive and safe as houses," she said honestly. 

"And it was great to see you, but we did that thing we always do." 

"Which is?" 

"Get caught up in the past." 

"So is that why you called? To remind me we are in separate towns because I may have died but I don't have brain damage," she said harshly. 

"What I meant was that we don't really know each other any more. And I know that we had to do that in order to move on, but we have moved on now. And I'd like it got to know you again." 

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," she said uncertain. He could picture her doodling on a napkin for some reason. 

"Why not?" 

"Spike-" She sighed at her slip up. It was too late to cover it up now. 

"What about Spike?" 

"He once said we could never be friends. He's an idiot, but he's right," she explained in a serious voice. 

"There's only one reason for that." 

"What's that?" 

"We were never friends to begin with. We can't turn back to something we never were." He had learned a lot from Buffy Summers, but never about friendship. He owed that to his family in L.A. 

"We were always lovers." 

"Exactly. But we could be friends now for the first time." He paused, wondering on the best way to proceed. "I think you need a friend. Someone to talk to, to listen to." 

"I do. I'd like us to be friends," she said sincerely. 

"Me too." 

Biting her lip, she said, "But...there's just some things I don't know if I can tell you." 

"What kind of stuff?" 

"Stuff that I'm not proud of. Stuff I'm disgusted of. And you would be too." 

"I'm not here to judge you. I've done things I'm ashamed of, but I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to hear me out. We're not perfect. We're just-" 

"-human," Buffy finished for him. 

"Well, I'm not completely, but you know." 

She couldn't help but smile. "More of the easy-going Angel. I can only handle so many changes, you know." 

"I know, which is probably why we should start out slowly with the whole honesty and sharing. There are some things I have to tell you that you won't like or may not want to accept, but that won't stop them from being true." 

"Alright. Same for you. So how do we begin?" she asked. 

"Well, what's your story about?" 

"Emptiness, death, destruction, and vampires," she said grimly. "Yours?" 

"Despair, forgiveness, love, and hope." 

"Love? Hope?" she repeated in disbelief. "I have to hear this."   
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  



End file.
